I cannot write?

I cannot write.

It has been months since the last time I want to write something in my blog.  And that last entry was totally wrecked -- not that I do not agree with myself on its verdict, but the style and tone were as stupid as it can get, which leaves me wondering whether I should care about such topics at all.

I feel that I am losing interest on those stuff I used to enthusiastically blog on: environment, climate change, science, etc.  The reasons are two-fold:

Attention deficiency: I have few friends (I mean real friends who I can meet from time to time in the real life, not friends who follows me on some social network website) who really cares about those things.  Heck, this is China and people don’t care about anything except Consumer Price Index and housing market.  I may not be a competent enough writer to raise their awareness single-handedly.  People are aware of the things I mentioned on the blog.  They may even be aware of me.  Yet they can give so little attention on those issues.  Hundreds of posts were written, published and corrected but there was only a few responses from a few specific persons.  It is like sailing on a foggy sea and I am shouting into the void, only getting responses when some fellow boats float by.  It is now very easy to get lured by the land of no more online presence and no more responsibility.

Lack of information: it is a wonder that seemingly no one has ever mentioned the emptiness after one leaves their university and loses access to all those journals and databases.  As one who always find conventional news channels biased, some correspondents crook and distortion creeping everywhere, I crave sources that are fair, intelligent, rich in content and all the better if peer-reviewed.  And one such source is not enough, because if I just write what the source reports, the text would be no better than what is already on the web.  It would be better if I can synthesize materials from a number of sources and present an article with my comment.

Now, it sounds not so difficult, but consider this: for any paragraph I quote or paraphrase, I have to check its validity with two or more additional sources, and the information flowing into my brain will grow rapidly along with the complexity of the blog post.  In the environmental field, or rather battlefield, the situation is even worse, as for any single issue there are prominent, influential voices taking one stand or another.  And you don’t know all the issues so well, and thus double- or triple-checks are vital.  Some people may actually enjoy letting so much information flying around their minds and desktops, but for me it has become such a heavy burden, especially since I lost access to those more reliable academic journals.  If I just write without checking the facts, chances are someone who has never commented on those posts written with effort will jump out this time blaming my naiveté and make me regard myself really despicable.

Despite of all the difficult times, these unpleasant events, and all my efforts in over 500 posts seemingly directed nowhere, I still want to write a decent blog.  I guess I have blown my chances to become a big shot blogger like anyone else who is still seriously writing a blog nowadays, but I would like to see blog as Andrew Sullivan from the Atlantic described, as a tool of interactive event recording and essay writing.  I would also like to use Writing as a means of learning and reflecting. 

I always wanted to write a decent blog, but my definition of decent may have to change.  I used to write blog as if it is the proof of status, competency, and professionalism.  The direct consequence is that when I stop being someone, the purpose of blogging goes with my old identity.  No, I cannot write for what I do.  Instead, I should write about what I am, how I spent the day, and what is in my head.  I need to write, not to build a profile per se, but to build a person who is fun, sophisticated, and hopefully caring, out of myself.